My mom's voice

I love hearing her voice. When I'm not here, she leaves a message and I like listening to them. Often, I roll my eyes and smile, a practice well rehearsed from my teens. Even with my eye rolling, I love to hear the sweet loving timber in her voice. "Just calling to tell you I'm cleaning out my house. Wow, what a job. Well, I love you. Give me a ring sometime." I can't imagine if she weren't in my life. She's always been there for me no matter what. Whatever I was trying out in my life, whatever stunt or persona, she'd always be there for me. When I stumbled and fell, she'd be there without judging me. Life goes on, she'd say. It sure does. But, does it?

Both of my brothers have died. Two of her sons. I'm her only child left. I'm here, holding on, living, exploring life, raising a son with my husband. I'm here and yet, she's really physically absent from my life. I feel her through the phone, I feel her love, I feel her sorrow. Yet, my son, her grandchild, doesn't get to feel anything from her. He's only met her a handful of times and he doesn't recall any of those moments. She stayed with me after my second brother died. My son was three at the time and wasn't used to her and so he treated her with disdain. Well, it hurt her feelings. But, I thought she'd understand since he was only three. She told me that it hurt her feelings. And, that's the last time she's visited. She doesn't even remember telling me that my son hurt her feelings. Really?! Well, she must have had some sort of emotional downfall, because she's decided to stay away from us, away rom her only family left.

It makes me sad that she doesn't visit. I don't understand it. I guess it's one of those human mysteries. But, I want to be there for her. I know she must still be grieving over the loss of her two sons. And, so, even though I don't understand her distance, I accept it and I love her from afar. At least I have her phone messages.