I love hearing her voice. When I'm not here, she leaves a message and I like listening to them. Often, I roll my eyes and smile, a practice well rehearsed from my teens. Even with my eye rolling, I love to hear the sweet loving timber in her voice. "Just calling to tell you I'm cleaning out my house. Wow, what a job. Well, I love you. Give me a ring sometime." I can't imagine if she weren't in my life. She's always been there for me no matter what. Whatever I was trying out in my life, whatever stunt or persona, she'd always be there for me. When I stumbled and fell, she'd be there without judging me. Life goes on, she'd say. It sure does. But, does it?
Both of my brothers have died. Two of her sons. I'm her only child left. I'm here, holding on, living, exploring life, raising a son with my husband. I'm here and yet, she's really physically absent from my life. I feel her through the phone, I feel her love, I feel her sorrow. Yet, my son, her grandchild, doesn't get to feel anything from her. He's only met her a handful of times and he doesn't recall any of those moments. She stayed with me after my second brother died. My son was three at the time and wasn't used to her and so he treated her with disdain. Well, it hurt her feelings. But, I thought she'd understand since he was only three. She told me that it hurt her feelings. And, that's the last time she's visited. She doesn't even remember telling me that my son hurt her feelings. Really?! Well, she must have had some sort of emotional downfall, because she's decided to stay away from us, away rom her only family left.
It makes me sad that she doesn't visit. I don't understand it. I guess it's one of those human mysteries. But, I want to be there for her. I know she must still be grieving over the loss of her two sons. And, so, even though I don't understand her distance, I accept it and I love her from afar. At least I have her phone messages.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Our National Anthem and the Olympics
I think I was in my twenties when I first listened to the words of our national anthem. I listened enthralled as the song unfolded. Sure, I'd endured years of my childhood saying the Pledge of Allegiance but it never inspired me as much as our national anthem. I love our anthem. I love it so much and it makes me proud and often it makes me tear up. The flag, our symbol of freedom had lasted through the night. Yes, it was still there. Wow, we are still here.
I feel so proud when I hear it. Especially when I hear it at the Olympics. The emotion of the moment plays across the US gold medal winner's face. A life time of dreams, a life time of sacrifice, a life time of work. It finally pays off, the US Olympian has won gold. Then they play the Star Spangled Banner as they raise the flag in salute. I see their tears, I feel my tears, I feel their pride. The highest achievement for a life time of work.
Yet, this pride for my country has a double-edged sword. I love my country, yet, I see that my country hasn't always acted in ways that make me swell with pride. I can't control what my government does but my hope it that I can behave in a way that is respectful of humanity.
I feel so proud when I hear it. Especially when I hear it at the Olympics. The emotion of the moment plays across the US gold medal winner's face. A life time of dreams, a life time of sacrifice, a life time of work. It finally pays off, the US Olympian has won gold. Then they play the Star Spangled Banner as they raise the flag in salute. I see their tears, I feel my tears, I feel their pride. The highest achievement for a life time of work.
Yet, this pride for my country has a double-edged sword. I love my country, yet, I see that my country hasn't always acted in ways that make me swell with pride. I can't control what my government does but my hope it that I can behave in a way that is respectful of humanity.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Supreme Court
I’m not a very political person but the recent ruling by the Supreme Court has really mad me mad. Well, it’s not surprising since they have five conservatives and four liberals. As I understand it, they’ve decided in favor of a ruling “that opens the door for corporations, labor unions, and other organizations to spend money directly from their general funds to influence campaigns. (from Yahoo! News)”
So, my non-political brain interprets this as WalMart, Warren Buffet or RJ Reynolds gets to choose who will serve in any and all of our public offices. Here’s my nightmare: my next public school official will be someone supported by Wal Mart and RJ Reynolds. Their private agenda? Buy all supplies from Walmart. Lighten smoking campaigns targeting our youth.
I just looked at a list of rich people in America and it scares me to think that they will all have access to controlling how our political campaigns turn out. Yahoo! News reported that 80% of ALL Americans of all political backgrounds are against this ruling. I think if most of the country is against this ruling, the Supreme Court should take notice.
One thing that I like about local politics is that ordinary men and women have access to it. I fear that with this new ruling, ordinary people will be left out and our important local decisions will be left to corporations. Dang, I hope it doesn’t turn out this way. I hope I’m just making a mountain out of a mole hill.
So, my non-political brain interprets this as WalMart, Warren Buffet or RJ Reynolds gets to choose who will serve in any and all of our public offices. Here’s my nightmare: my next public school official will be someone supported by Wal Mart and RJ Reynolds. Their private agenda? Buy all supplies from Walmart. Lighten smoking campaigns targeting our youth.
I just looked at a list of rich people in America and it scares me to think that they will all have access to controlling how our political campaigns turn out. Yahoo! News reported that 80% of ALL Americans of all political backgrounds are against this ruling. I think if most of the country is against this ruling, the Supreme Court should take notice.
One thing that I like about local politics is that ordinary men and women have access to it. I fear that with this new ruling, ordinary people will be left out and our important local decisions will be left to corporations. Dang, I hope it doesn’t turn out this way. I hope I’m just making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Bad Dates
A friend of mine is promoting her book, Good Drinks For Bad Days at a local hotel bar this week. They're having a bad date contest. So, I began to think of my past bad dates. I guess I can't include dates with my husband. If so, I might have to include the time I yelled at him on his birthday.
Back to bad dates, I can think of a few. I met this man at a book store and we chatted over the fiction books. He seemed interesting. He liked jazz. I don't like jazz but I thought maybe his interest in jazz might be a window into a deeper person. We agreed to meet for breakfast. This is a bad first date choice because if it doesn't work out, well, you know, you're stuck. And, I was really stuck. He talked mostly about himself and when he asked me anything, I was so spaced out from ignoring him that I had to ask him to repeat his question. It dragged on and on. Finally, we split the bill with him pointing to his throat while he muttered that he had a sore throat and had to leave. I shrugged and said, "Yeah, me too." Then I left.
More bad dates. Hmmm. I got stood up by the Kinko's guy. He'd been making deliveries for months and finally he asked me out. Yay! It was the first time I'd been asked to go swing dancing. I was thrilled. As a former ballerina, I loved dancing, especially anything that was romantically restrained. You know, stolen glances, the heat of your partner's hand on the small of your back, spins that end in a second-long tight embrace. Needless to say, I was really looking forward to this date. I got ready with care, which is saying a lot for me. I'm a jeans, t-shirt and no make-up kind of girl. So, I got ready and waited and waited and waited. He never showed. He never showed at work. The new Kinko's delivery guy told me that he quit.
A couple of months later, I was on another date and ran into him. I just said hi. I wasn’t hurt or angry and there was no need to go into why he stood me up. But he persisted and shared with me that he had a nervous breakdown and had been in the hospital. He said he was better and I was happy for him. He was a nice person. He seemed to pause like he wanted to ask me out again. Quickly, I wished him well and thanked my lucky stars that he stood me up.
Back to bad dates, I can think of a few. I met this man at a book store and we chatted over the fiction books. He seemed interesting. He liked jazz. I don't like jazz but I thought maybe his interest in jazz might be a window into a deeper person. We agreed to meet for breakfast. This is a bad first date choice because if it doesn't work out, well, you know, you're stuck. And, I was really stuck. He talked mostly about himself and when he asked me anything, I was so spaced out from ignoring him that I had to ask him to repeat his question. It dragged on and on. Finally, we split the bill with him pointing to his throat while he muttered that he had a sore throat and had to leave. I shrugged and said, "Yeah, me too." Then I left.
More bad dates. Hmmm. I got stood up by the Kinko's guy. He'd been making deliveries for months and finally he asked me out. Yay! It was the first time I'd been asked to go swing dancing. I was thrilled. As a former ballerina, I loved dancing, especially anything that was romantically restrained. You know, stolen glances, the heat of your partner's hand on the small of your back, spins that end in a second-long tight embrace. Needless to say, I was really looking forward to this date. I got ready with care, which is saying a lot for me. I'm a jeans, t-shirt and no make-up kind of girl. So, I got ready and waited and waited and waited. He never showed. He never showed at work. The new Kinko's delivery guy told me that he quit.
A couple of months later, I was on another date and ran into him. I just said hi. I wasn’t hurt or angry and there was no need to go into why he stood me up. But he persisted and shared with me that he had a nervous breakdown and had been in the hospital. He said he was better and I was happy for him. He was a nice person. He seemed to pause like he wanted to ask me out again. Quickly, I wished him well and thanked my lucky stars that he stood me up.
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