My brothers loved the holidays

At least this is what I imagine in my mind. I know they were always excited about Christmas but they always seemed too depressed to express much. Maybe their Christmas wasn't what they'd seen on TV, maybe it was because mom always worked on Christmas day, maybe it was because dad had virtually disappeared by the time they were 6 and 7. "Maybe," I guess that's all I have when I look at the past. Maybe it's all any of us have of the past.

So, it is with some trepidation that I've learned how to enjoy my Christmas season. With a nod to the past, I've decided to reshape how I handle my present and future Christmas seasons. I've learned to shop early and limit my spending. This frees up space in my mind and heart for more joy. I focus on smaller things like my secret Christmas joy of watching sappy Lifetime Christmas movies and spending time just hanging out with my family.

Even with all the death in my family and all the "maybes" from the past, I still like the holidays. I love Christmas lights, I love smelling paperwhites in bloom, I love baking Christmas cookies. I also love Christmas carols, I love a simple hearty meal eaten by candle light, and I love than I can create a feeling of joy for my child. My hope is that these feelings will pass down to my son and that when he looks back on his Christmas seasons, it will be with fondness and warmth. Hopefully, he won't have too many "maybes" floating around in his past.

My son and his world

Jumping up and down, he frowns. He frowns at me. I've messed up again. All the stores we go to seem to be out of his favorite stickers and it's my fault. I say the usual things that parents say, "We'll check back...They sold out because of the holidays...Santa needed them...I forgot my wallet." Okay, I didn't say that last one but sometimes I do use that excuse.

We get home and I promptly forgot about stickers. I forgot until he came running in the kitchen. He cries out in a high pitched voice, "I'm out of stickers. I'M OUT OF STICKERS!!!"

Oh crap, I think. What now. So I scrounge around and find some stickers that I was saving for something or other. I tell him to close his eyes. I wrap them up and put the package in front of him. He opens his eyes and rips it open. He quickly flips though the stickers and looks very disappointed. I've messed up again because I only got him a few of his favorite kind.

Back to square one, I decide to have him help me figure out what we can do. Yeah, I know, I should have done this the first time around. But I have a thick skull and it takes a few rounds for me to learn something. So, we decide to make color copies of his favorite stickers. He's new to all of this, so he wants to cut everything up right away. I'm thinking, I need a few master sheets for the next sticker disaster that looms around the corner. That'll probably be tomorrow.

So, I do up some testers for him, cut 'em out, and make little tape rolls so they stick. I knew I hit the jackpot when he's humming and singing about his stickers. He tells me several times how happy he is. He's happy that we figured out how to make more stickers. My heart does a bit of a flip. Is that joy jumping around in my chest. Why, yes it is. He's happy and I helped create that for him. It gives me strength to go on parenting. Because honestly, sometimes I feel like packing a bag and hitting the road.