Every now and then I think of my brothers. They both died a few years back (sniff sniff). While I'm doing ok, my mom has a huge hole in her heart and it breaks my heart to know that she can't find her way through the grief. I wish things were different, I wish my brothers were still alive, I wish my parents + us kids could have gotten along. But, wishing is just wishing. I can't change the past but I can change my present behavior which will hopefully have a positive effect on the future.
In a way, their deaths did teach me to be more tolerant. I find myself more accepting of things just the way they are. I let my emotions happen, anger, happiness, sorrow - I feel them all and it's ok. Sure, I still have days when I feel lost, when I feel like I need someone's hand to hold, when I miss my brothers but to those of us who have had death visit so closely, I think we all have those days. I just wish I could pull out the shroud of grief that surrounds my mom's heart and give it a good shake. But, then, I can't really do that, that's up to her.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
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