It feels like a weight resting on my chest. It permeates everything I do, my exercise class, my cooking, my dancing, my mind. I'm trying to pull myself out of this fog. And, now the rain has begun. It's dark and stormy outside. The weather reflects how I feel inside. I've recently hurt some people and it makes me feel terrible. I'm trying to fix it, but it's a slow and painful process. And, honestly, I feel like packing up my bags and running away. But, then I would still have to face myself in the mirror. And, right now, I'm not liking what I am seeing. So, it's best to stay put and work through this miasma.
Even though I am sad, I still see funny things. Like the lady in the Whole Foods parking lot who almost hit my car. She actually got mad at me! She threw her hands up in the air and I think she said, "Fuck!" But I couldn't hear her, so maybe she just said, "Puck!" She was probably going up to buy some organic vegan grass-fed whole grains complete without salt, GMO's, high fructose corn syrup, or processed white flour. But, really now, maybe all she needs is a stiff shot of some Cheetos and a Budweiser to set her straight! I just shrugged my shoulders and chalked it up to her having a bad day.
Anyway, I need to accept responsibility, forgive myself, and move on. But, I am still sad. I suppose a certain amount of sadness isn't too bad. At least it's pushing me into action. Who knows what the future will bring. Maybe I'll be dead by next year but at least I am taking action today to repair damage, understand and forgive myself and my actions, and move forward.
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