Childhood

I hardly think of mine. It was a blur. I had to be more mature than I ever could be, I had to endure endless terror from my brothers, I had to bake alone. My mom worked all the time which left us kids with too much unstructured time on our hands. We never had rules, no bedtime, no set dinner routines, didn't have to clean, or brush our teeth. We watched as much TV as we wanted. I saw everything and I mean everything on TV. My brothers stayed out as late as they wanted. I did whatever the hell I wanted and no one was there to guide me. I never gravitated toward drugs, though I did drink and smoke a bit as a teen. But I never liked having my mind in an altered state.

My childhood gave me a lot of freedom to daydream and wander in my mind. And I spent a good deal of time in my head. I drew a lot, studied the way things looked, gazed at trees, watched how people interacted, picked flowers, watched a ton of TV, baked cookies, and played with my dolls. I created fanciful stories about my dancing flamenco doll. I planned meals and cooked dinners from an early age. I also read a lot, more than I read now. Reading helped me frame the world and learn about how other people lived. Even though I felt my childhood was normal because that's all I knew, I read about different lifestyles and families. This made me yearn for something I couldn't quite name. I felt something wonderful was just within my grasp but I couldn't quite catch it. Now I see that I was yearning for connection, both physical and emotional. Connection to my parents, my brothers, my aunts and uncles, my community, and myself. 

I think of my son's childhood. He's in the thick of his right now. He's so happy. I love it that he is entirely happy and content. He has rules to follow and these give him a framework in which to grow and learn. Though, he doesn't have that many rules because it would be too stifling for him and I couldn't handle micromanaging too many rules. I'm more of a laid-back kind of mom.

He skips around and sings songs. Journey songs, the Star Wars theme song, made up songs. His favorite band is Journey. Although, I am trying my hardest to get him to love Snow Patrol. He doesn't like Snow Patrol, so maybe I'll try to get him to like Adele. I love her soaring vocals, the way she inflects musicality in her lyrical songs and touches your soul with her stylings. Her music makes me feel a connection. I feel her melodies throughout my body. Connection is the key. When I hear a good song, I naturally start to move and then I begin to feel good. I love it.

I love dancing so much because it makes me feel happy. I love slow hip hop rhythms because I can feel the beat penetrate into my heart. I love partner dancing because for a brief time, I share a physical and emotional connection and a love for dancing. Movement makes me feel alive and connected to myself. And, the more I feel this connection, the more I can be available to my son and myself.